what makes you different, makes you beautiful to me;

Random musinGs

2011-02-23T02:01:00.001+08:00

I'll be lying if I say I dun miss u because I miss u a lot.

1st dec

2010-12-01T22:25:00.003+08:00

I am sorry. How do I make ur anger go away? You ask me not to be insecure, but you know I can't so many things happened in my life that I guess makes me feel this way. You may have reasons for saying some things but end of the day, the meaning comes to me in a different way because you said it while u are still angry. You think I fa pi qi but i am not. I really am not. But I dunno how to explain to you to make you understand. It's not I get angry also. I just feel exasperated that you are angry especially when I dunno why. I always have this foreboding that something is coming my way to make me feel even worse and you know what? It did. I doubt you'll see this anyway but can our relationship withstand this difference between you and me? I dunno. I hope it does but I don't wanna hope too much cos it just brings about too much pain. I can be happy and live life happily but there is no way what happened in the past can be so easily erased. It's the big scar in my heart that doesn't seem to disappear.

?

2010-04-23T11:51:00.002+08:00

Maybe this is too soon for both of us. So whatever. I just hope you're fine. Seeing you like this I dunno how to help u. All I can do is listen to u and talk rubbish. Just hope I am not making things worse for u. Just wish I knew the right words to say, right things to do. Relationships should never be strained due to what is being said to each other. Words especially when there is anger involved always hurts. I want to help you take away the hurt even if it was a little. Let me help u will you?

SIgh

2010-03-09T21:20:00.001+08:00

I am a failure in life.

2008-05-01T22:40:00.000+08:00

the loneliness that I am suppose to have tamed starts to lash out without me being able to do anything.

Quotes

2008-04-06T00:08:00.001+08:00

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. ~Oscar Wilde~

2007-10-19T12:48:00.000+08:00

Life is something that can be started over, redone any number of times, and all it takes is to ask.

Fear

2007-07-02T22:28:00.000+08:00

Fear can paralyze you but when you stop being afraid, you can do anything you set your mind and heart to. =)

2007-06-24T18:02:00.000+08:00

It's dangerous. If you look at the starry sky, you might think you can reach out and grab it. You get the feeling your dreams will come true.

2007-05-20T22:26:00.000+08:00

You can find yourself in unreasonable places, and you can be wrong about a lot of things, but if you believe in yourself, and if you choose to keep on smiling, you'll be okay.

thoughtful

2007-05-13T23:00:00.000+08:00

The heart wants what the heart wants.
Even if it is complete nonsense.
Even when it means throwing a life's balance completely into the debit column.
Even if it means more tears.
Even when it knows better.
Especially then...

What hurts the most

2007-05-09T14:26:00.000+08:00

What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving youI
s what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the mostIs being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you

That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....

Augustana-Angel

2007-03-27T15:20:00.001+08:00

Angels lyrics
Oooh Woahoh
Oooh Woahoh
Would I fight with an angel
Would I leave here with you
Or would I take it all back if
If I find something new?

I know there's something out there
I know there's something
I fearRun away from here
I know there's something more to this
In this dark room, nothing that shines
Run away from here

Would I fight with an angel
Would I leave here with you
Or would I take it all back if
If I find something new?

I'm falling, I am down
I've fallen, are you around?
And I know it's you
I'm leaving,
I'm with me
I'm leaving, tell me the truth
And I know it's you

Will I fight with an angel
Will I leave here with you
Will I take it all back if
If I find something new
Would I fight with an angel
Would I leave here with you
Would I take it all back if
If I find something new

Oooh Woahoh (Repeat x15)

Would I fight with an angel
Would I leave here with you
Would I take it all back if
If I find something new

Would I fight with an angel
Would I leave here with you
Would I take it all back if
If I find something new

Yeah
Will I fight with an angel
Will I leave here with you
Will I take it all back
If I find something new

Yeah
Would I fly with an angel
(Fly with you...)
Would I leave here with you
(Fly with you...)
Would I take it all back if
(Fly...)
If I find something new
(Fly...)
Oooh Woahoh

Unexpected what you did to my heart

2006-10-08T00:37:00.000+08:00

Unexpected what you did to my heart... That's what i would really have to admit... And who might you be? SO MANY PPL! All of them from 4e6/2004. What Mel said was right. I went into JC expecting so much having heard so many wonderful things about it. But what did i get in the end? Disappointment, one after another. Am i really that wrong to expect too much? Would I have been happier if i did not expect so much? But how could i not? I had so much fun in 3e6 and subsequently 4e6. My 4 years in St. Marg's I would say has been such a fruitful one. One happy after another. PLUS! I LOVE THE DOTS! Whoever who polled against it doesn't know anything! Which uniform is more unique than ours? Which uniform is more comfortable than others? I'm a proud member of the St.Marg's Family i say! Ah, there i go thinking about all the wrong things again... First prelim paper in 26 days time. So near yet so far... I"M NOT PREPARED YET!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

"The 2 Kangs can you please sit down?" Oh my... I'm so going to remember this, Mr Ng. Hahaha. Will things ever be like this again? The carefree life i have led for 16 years of my life has gone down the drain. All that's left are memories that i can look back and laugh at. But... When i look back, i'm back to the "how i wish i could turn back time" syndrome. Hahaha. Relishing the past, that i am but i shink deeper into disappointment everytime i do that. I always told mel JC would be a not too bad place but having gone through it, I regret what i have said before. Well, at least there was bball and Si hui. :) But was i ever happy? I really don't know. I feel that a lot of these relationships i had were very shallow. I was never this easily irritated in my life (well, maybe by my grandmother yes 'cos that's my way of showing her affection i guess. Hee.) But everytime i laughed or smiled, it feels so unnatural. I feel that i'm doing it to hide what i really feel all this while. Why am i always hiding once i face disappointment, unhappiness? I don't know. Chang was the only person who understood me, or so i think... I dunno. Will i ever dare to open my heart fully once again? To everyone i seem like an open person but that's just because i tell them what i feel like. They do not know the other me. Do they even suspect? I dunno. And i'll never ask, that's for sure. *sigh* I feel like i'm wallowing in self-pity. How pitiful can i get!!!! AH!!! HELP!!!!

At the beginning...

2006-10-06T00:08:00.000+08:00

"We were strangers starting out on a journey, never dreaming what we had to go through. Now here we are i'm suddenly standing, at the beginning with you... People always say life is full of choices... But no one ever mentions fear and how the road can seem so long and how the road can seem so vast..." -anastasia-

These songs seem so meaningful at this juncture of my life. I look back at my life and in a blink of an eye, 18 years of my life has already passed... Soon i'll be in uni... Be an adult... Maybe even a mother... Then who knows, a grandmother... When i think about those it seems so far and also seem like a joke! Me, a mother! Ha! Bet many people will think the same way a i do. Hee hee. My heart just feels so heavy... I miss Mel, Jean, Veli, Clau, Happening Back Row Family. All the fun we had is deeply imprinted in my mind. I just can't help but remember. We were definitely strangers starting out on a journey, never knowing what we will go through, never dreaming things will turn out this way. This song just brings back so many memories, gushing towards me like an open dam that has been closed for so long. Out of all the friends that i had, Mel is the one i see most but i still miss her! Mel! I MISS YOU! I wanna hit you with a ruler more often. I wanna irritate you more often! MEL!!!! *sobz* Why doesn't the good and happy times come to an end. Jean is in America, Clau has her own life, Veli is pursuing her dream... So glad i still got Mel in Singapore for me to irritate. *grins widely*

"As i walk this land of broken dreams, i have visions of many thing. But happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadnesss and confusion" -what becomes of the broken hearted-

This life i'm leading is definitely a life full of broken dreams. Happiness is somthing so far so away and unattainable since it's already in the past. The happiness i had experienced seems just like something i would see on tv, in my dreams, in an illusion. It could never happen to me i say, but it did but... it has since passed me by. No way can i get it back. No way can i turn back time so that i may once again experience happiness in my life. What lies ahead of me? That's the darkness that has yet to reveal itself to me. Oh Lord, I trust it's something good you have install for me and i have no reason to doubt. But why do I keep looking back instead of looking forward. You have promised me something nice but i can't help but fear. My future feels bleak now since it's my results that will bring me forward. What will my future be like?

Hmmmmm....

2006-08-13T02:31:00.000+08:00

I'm suppose to be mugging now... Oh well... I miss melly and i'm so gonna miss jean... she's going away... so saddening la. So many people say, 'JC years are the happiest time of one's life'. You know what, i disagree with them. Why? It's definitely not because of the stress. But i don't know, it's just too overwhelming... Too many things happen at a time. Everywhere. All around me. Given a choice i much rather these things not happen. But what am i going to do? Wish this misfortunes onto someone else and let them suffer? Well, that's a tempting suggestion but i'm not that bad to do such a thing. Everything that starts will somehow come to an end but for things around me, it seems as if it's just TOO early. Can't the nice things last and not the unhappy ones?

Sugar pie honey bunch

2006-07-02T00:39:00.000+08:00

SUGAR PIE HUNNY BUNCH

Oooh sugar pie honey bunch, you know that I love you,
I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else,

In and out of my life, you come and you go,
Leaving just your picture behind, and I've kissed it a thousand times.

When you snap you finger, or wink your eye, I come a runnin' to you.
I turned tail right from my friends, and there's nothing that I can do.

Sugar pie honey bunch, I'm weaker than a man should be,
I can't help myself, I'm a fool in love you see.

Wanna tell you I don't love ya, tell you that we're through, and I try.
But every time I see your face, I get all choked up inside.

When I call your name, girl it starts to flame.
Burnin' in my heart, tearin' all apart.
No matter how I try, my love I cannot hide.

Sugar pie honey bunch, you know that I'll wait for you.
Can't help myself, I love you and nobody else.

Sugar pie honey bunch, do anything you ask me to.
Can't help myself, I want you and nobody else.

Sugar pie honey bunch, you know that I love you,
I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else,

What becomes of the broken hearted?

2006-07-01T23:38:00.000+08:00

WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN HEARTED

As I walk this land of broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion

(chorus)
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who have love that's now departed
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe

Fruits of love grow all around (all around)
But for me they come a-tumbling down (a-tumbling down)
Every day heart aches grow a little stronger
(just a little stronger)
I can't stand this pain much longer
I walk in shadows searching for light (searching for light)
Cold and alone no comfort in sight (no comfort in sight)
Hoping and praying for someone who cares
Always movin' and going nowhere

(chorus)
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who have love that's now departed
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Help me please

I'm searching though I don't succeed
So much love and a growing need (such a growing need)
All is lost there's no place for beginning
All that's left is an unhappy ending

(chorus)
Now what becomes of the broken hearted
Who have love that's now departed
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
I'll be searching everywhere
Just to find someone to care

I'll be looking every day
I know I'm gonna find a way
Nothing's gonna stop me now
I'll find a way somehow

(chorus)
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who have love that's now departed
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Baby
(Oh yeah)
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who have love that's now departed
What becomes of the broken hearted
Who have love that's now departed

What becomes of the broken hearted

??

2006-06-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

Happiness. What is it? It sounds like an alien word. Can anyone tell me what it means? Is it something good? It must be since there are so many people doing their utmost so that they can achieve it. Can I ever achieve happiness too? I have really been trying to study but like some people might say, you are not trying hard enough! Pray tell me how i can make myself unsleepy so i can study. That would be the ideal situation. Hee hee. Today. I used the excuse of "getting notes" to get out of the house to watch my dear's match. Hahaha. The thought of it still tickles me. Especially when I wonder what everyone's reaction will be. Hahaha. Well, well. That's surprising. I don't feel sad at all not being there. Anyway, what difference does my presence make? I only scream a lot tt's all. And nth more. In fact, do they even appreciate me. If they do get in, I will be there and i will make them brownie since there is still the brownie mix left unused. Hee hee. We'll just have to see if we are even able to get into the finals yea? Hee hee.

life

2006-06-13T00:12:00.000+08:00

My days of crying over the milk that has been spilt is over. Now, I'm ready more than ever to move on with my life like you did with yours, or so it seems. I have absolutely no idea if you have already moved on with your life because we haven't yet have a heart-to-heart talk for such a long time. I will have to admit, the place you held in my heart will never fade away. It's still there but not as strong as it was before. It just took a bus ride for me to realize that and i thank god for that fateful day. It was the 8th of June, thursday. I left the stupid CIP i don't even know why i volunteered for. And I still don't. Oh well, at least something good came out of it right? Hee hee. =) Anyway back to the incident, I needed a bus that went to Serangoon because we had to go BHCC for a before match training. We had to reach by 1500h so i left the CIP thing at 1330 in case the bus ride took very long. I did not want to go late and it was the best reason to run away from the dreaded CIP! Hee hee. Anyway, i went to take a look at the bus directory and i found the bus 158 could reach there but i did not realize it was a loop service so i took it anyway, I wasn't feeling tired so I looked out of the window and it neared the loop area. Lo and behold, it was the place where we shared a lot of secrets and the first time we went out together, well not exactly because it was an outing oh one mentor and two mentees to watch "stealth". Then you made my day by bringing me to that place opposite marina bay to watch the aero-display. You explained to me about the various planes that flew by and then complained about how the new batches of people getting into YFC was getting from bad to worse. Well, I know i was one of those and was quite sheepish. All i did was laugh it off. Like i always did. On the way home, you told me that you observed that i was a very closed person because i kept my arms folded most of the time and kept hugging my bag. I never realized that my actions actually mirrored what i felt but i didn't know why then. I felt so small compared to you. I didn't dare admit but i admired you. It all started that day. You opened my heart to you and caused me to fall in love with you. I could say that it was the biggest mistake in my life but to me, it wasn't. It was more likely one of the few things i did right. Loving you never occurred to me as a mistake. You never betrayed the trust i had in you, never betrayed our friendship, never betrayed my feelings. From the start, it could have been your fault i like you but in the end, it was the path i chose to undertake though you have clearly warned me many times. You were the friend i never had. I could even imagine you as my soul-mate though I know it will never happen. Now when i think back, the whole experience was rather nice and it made me realize how naive i actually am when it came to relationship. You opened my eyes to many things and human relationships was the most important thing you taught me. Well, back to the 8th June. 158 passed by the place we always went. It was something very unexpected. I thought that i would embarrass myself and cry but surprisingly, i felt no sorrow, just the slight sadness that i lost a friend not someone i liked in the romantic way. I really hope that you will come back into my life not as my bf but the bestest friend i ever had because now in my heart, you are the bestest friend i ever had though we are no longer in as much contact as we did before. =) The sacrifices i have made for you is definitely more worth it than stackers. I will still love you but as a friend. It should have been this way from the start but we both were wrong to start something like this but it worked out in the end and we learned a lot from it didn't we? Thank you very much! =)

life in equilibrium

2006-06-11T02:35:00.000+08:00

When will my life be in equilibrium like the forces of nature? Will i enjoy life when i grow older since i feel so miserable now? I sure hope so. Or else, my life is a total mess, right from the start. Is there anyone like me who fears death? I for one am afraid to lose each and every memory i have. Even those that hurt me so much i should forget.

IRIS

2006-06-09T20:20:00.000+08:00

Iris
-Goo Goo Dolls-

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

thoughts on 2nd June

2006-06-02T23:22:00.000+08:00

What do you know about me? Nth. What makes you so sure you can fully understand me in one day? Why is it that only when a problem problem arise do you realize what you have done wrong? WHY?! It seems only know do you want to know me. Why not in the past? What makes you so sure I will want to open my heart to you. Are you sure that you can take what i dish out to you? Are you sure you can understand and take in the deepest darkest secret and it would not haunt you? Do you know that the reason for the way I am now is because of that one small mistake you did? Why I fell in love with the wrong guy? Because of your mistake. Why I feel so misunderstood? Once again it's because of your mistake. However, I know that I cannot blame it fully on you. I'm not as strong as I portray myself to be. Dare I be weak in front of people? No. I don't want to get hurt but you know what? It seems as if being strong does not help either. Can you please tell me what to do so that I won't hurt so much? Should I really harden my heart against everything? Do you know that I'm in the verge of breaking down? I don't want things to be this way especially between grandma and me. I love her so much I would willingly trade my life for hers. I has a dream the other day and I dreamt that she died. It just made me so numb inside. After that dream I really tried my very best not to make her angry such that she may just live longer. Lo and behold, she just had to be so over-concerned and now I really don't know what to do! I just feel so helpless now. Most of the time, I'm giving in to her and I am kind of sick and tired of doing this already. I give up so many things to make her happy but she's not aware, always thinking bad of me. I'm human after all. What would you feel if you have painstakingly and secretly try to make things better and all the other person can say is 'I know you don't love me and you are just using me?' You think I'm a robot without any feelings? If you insult me I can take it but must you go to the extent of insulting my mother for my every wrongdoings? I'm responsible for my own actions and I strongly believe that. Do you think that if someone insults you that I won't defend you if they are wrong about you? Do you think so? If you do, then that's about all I can do. But all I can say that I feel heart-broken hearing you say all the things you say.

Are you worth me giving up my last chance of playing in youth cup? I really don't know. I am really really lost now. I know a lot of people will say you should just give up and study hard. But do they know how much it will hurt me not being able to play?! I don't know.

thoughts on 1st June

2006-06-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

Once again I didn't get to play in today's match but what's new? I kind of expected it anyway. Well, good thing he never let Xin Wei play. Or else I will feel damn indignant because I know I play much better than her though she has been to training. It always seems that I’m at disadvantage just because I haven't been to training for such a long time. But, if I tell myself that, I actually feel better but at the same time I’m pissed that I bu zhen qi. If only I study. If only I did better. There’s just so many if only that I can name out to no end. What’s the use of regretting? What’s the use of sighing when I look back? I only have myself to blame and be responsible for my actions. It's what I did wrong and no amount of regretting and sighing is going to solve the problem. All I can do is maybe moan, look back and learn from this lesson. But why is it I can never learn that I need to study. I have yet to find that goal in my life, or so it seems. I really don't know how I can go about doing something about my not studying when I well know that I should study. No amount of last minute studying is going to help now. Why can't I seem to get this into my head! Argh!

Dear, I really thank you for believing in me. You always believe I'm capable of things that I'm always doubtful about. 'Sa Rang Hae Yo' means I love you. =) Just happen to be listening to my song. Maybe you were sent by god into my life to stop me from being so doubtful about everything about me. Hee hee. An Angel! Hee hee. I know 'Angel in disguise' right? Hahaha. There I go again crapping and crapping. However it seems to always make me feel better. So you just have to tolerate, which I'm sure you can. Hee hee. Going out with me next week is still an order that stands though you gave me that friendship band k. I'm not going to keep back that order. Hahaha. Laa laa laa. Andre went to watch you play leh today and you perform some more! Woo hoo hoo! He sure damn impressed by you de. It's just too bad you are my opponent or else I sure scream for you de. A lot of times I just say 'jia you' and not 'jia you stackers' so I don’t sound like a traitor. So now you know I was saying 'jia you' to each and everyone of you all just that cannot so obvious. Must understand my intention k! Hee hee. You know, many a times, when I see SA players being subbed on court I got this urge to scream 'GO SA!' or 'GO SAINTS!' or just to ask you all to jia you but then I always manage to hold back. Luckily sia. Or else so pai seh lor. Hahaha. Imagine la I scream 'GO SA!' then some ppl will think what SA? Crazy woman! Hahaha. What the hell! Nvm. Next time come watch me play k? and if I can, I will come watch you play also. Miss you loads dear! Must talk more next time I see you be it online or what la. Then must catch up on latest gossip also. Hahaha.

2006-05-31T22:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a nice day. Finally i get to touch the ball. Hee. I'm so happy. But the only sad thing was, he wasn't there to see me play. Well, come to think of it. If he was there, i would have been so panicky. Hee. Well, i was very happy when i asked him to come watch and he asked,"what time?" I never expected he would say that. It gave me so much hope! But too bad it was too late and he would have gone home by then. Kinda expected it but was it too bold of me to hope for a miracle? Oh well. Quite sad case that he didn't even know my number. Why the heck did he go and smash his phone?! Stupid guy! Sickening la he! He doesn't even know who i am. Maybe that's why we have lost contact. Ha Ha Ha. I wish ah. Si Hu! So long never see you liao! You had better go out with me next week! It's an order i tell you! Cannot always block about unhappy things. Hee. Tomorrow's the day! I hope we win Leng Kee but i dun want your team to lose either. What i dilemma! Dang! I just hope both out teams will sail through and play once again in the 2nd round! Yeah! Ha Ha Ha!

2006-05-16T00:48:00.000+08:00

I MISS SO MANY PPL I DUN GET TO SEE OFTEN... HAI... ESP U...

Invisible man

2006-05-13T22:24:00.000+08:00

INVISIBLE MAN (98 Degrees)

Ooh, ooh
Oh, oh, oh
Yeah

You can hardly wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always makes your heart skip a beat
Ev'ry time he walks by

And if you're feeling down, he'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when you're makin' love
He's ev'rything you've been dreaming of
Oh, baby

[Chorus:]
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes lookin' deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you, all I am
Is the invisible man

(Yeah)
(Oh, oh, you don't see me, baby)

You prob'ly spend hours on the phone
Talkin' 'bout nothing at all
(Talkin' 'bout nothing at all)
It doesn't matter what the conversation
Just as long as he called (oh, oh)

Lost in a love so real and so sincere
And you wipe away each other's tears (each other's tears)
Your face lights up whenever he appears
Oh

[Repeat chorus]

(Spoken:)
I see you all the time, baby
The way you look at him
I wish it was me, sweetheart
Boy, I wish it was me
But I guess I don't love you enough

[Repeat chorus twice]

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, baby, the invisible man
You don't see me, girl
But I love you
Yes, I love you (the invisible man)
Oh, oh, oh
Yeah, yeah, the invisible man
Baby, baby, baby, yeah
The invisible man

Tom Jones-it's not unusual

2006-05-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

It's Not Unusual-Tom Jones

It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun with anyone
but when I see you hanging about with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry, oh I wanna' die

It's not unusual to go out at any time
but when I see you out and about it's such a crime
if you should ever want to be loved by anyone, It's not unusual
it happens every day no matter what you say

you find it happens all the time
love will never do what you want it to
why can't this crazy love be mine

It's not unusual, to be mad with anyone
It's not unusual, to be sad with anyone
but if I ever find that you've changed at anytime
it's not unusual
to find out that I'm in love with you
whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh

Deep in thought...

2006-05-07T23:37:00.000+08:00

My friend's grandma just passed away. Naturally, he was quite distraught. But the death set me thinking what my life will be like without you. On thursday, once again we quarelled over the smallest thing. I once again let my temper get the better of me. If only i could control my temper. If only, if only. I really don't like it when you speak badly of my mother when it has nothing to do with her. Why do you always think so badly of her? I'm sure she's not as bad as you think she is. I'm sure my mother loves me maybe not as much my brother but who am I to judge? I dun stay with her but i stay with you. I love you a lot but i tend to want to seek love outside, finding it in the wrong places and end up getting hurt. Of course, i daren't tell you about what happens in my social world but even if i did, would you ever understand? I understand that you are very insecure, that i might one day forsake you and ignore you but you know, i'll never do that to you. Do you know? Everytime we have a quarrel, whether big or small and i smell the medicated oil. My heart really breaks apart. I really want to tell you sorry but i don't know how to put it through to you. As the song by Elton John and Blue says 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word'.
Well, one thing's for sure, without you in my life, it will feel really empty and meaningless. When i went on the Thailand trip with the bballers, i couldn't make myself sleep, no matter how tired i was. I missed your warmth as you lie there beside me. Slowly, i got used to not having your warmth but there, i couldn't help thinking about you. Wondering how you were over in Singapore and all. Nowadays, i know i get caught up in all the wrong things i forgot to say things like 'i love you' or just giving you a hug to tell you i care and love you very much.
Sometimes, i fear that because of my temper, the last words i tell you is some hateful word like 'i hate you', 'damn you' and we part unhappily. I never want to regret the last words we exchange. I really fear the day you pass on. My prayer to god for you would be for you to live until the day i pass on so you will always be there for me no matter the circumstances. But i know that is just selfish of me. Everybody never want anyone close to them to die. We want our loved ones to live forever though we know it's impossible. We always want the impossible.

Brownie, oh brownie

2006-04-30T22:26:00.000+08:00

YaY! My first time making a brownie! And... It's a success! Yay! It taste nice. Yum Yum! Hungry, hungry. Wan some?
SiHu helped too! Yay! How i wish she's in SA then can see her everyday. Tmr we're gonna continue making again 'cos tt idiot came late! But it's okay. I still love her. Hee hee. She's coming tmr. Tralala. =)

Happiness

2006-04-29T21:43:00.000+08:00

Today is a happy happy day though it didn't start out well. My usual saturday routine, getting scolded from my grandma for the most trivial thing and wondering why she scolded me for. OH WELL... Anyway, I met Sihu today! So fun! We are going to bake for the Team SA ppl (of course basketballers only) TMR! I get to see her again! Yay! I miss her so much! She's my dear, though i have to share her with this other guy whom i shall not divulge his identity. Bwahaha. Cheers SiHu. Hahaha. It was a happy thing after another. My grandpa came back from the hospital! Yay! And he's so vibrant and happy now! Not the gloomy him in the hospital bed, lying there listlessly. I thank god you're okay. =) Tralalala. The climax! Well maybe not that climax yet but i had no tuition! Besterestest NEWS!!! WOo HOo HOo! I could go play friendly! Against Hong Kah North! Yay! When i reach there, Xin Ying was like 'lucky you came, 'cos a lot of the forwards are not here. And there i was thinking i might not get to play. So i hurried to the toilet changed into my jersey then sat there, waiting for Cynthia, our new coach, to ask me to sub. it was the second quarter by the time i got there but i sat there and she didn't call out my name. Boy was i sad. There i was thinking i will get to play. OH WELL, maybe next time i will get the chance since i haven't been coming to training much. The end of the third quarter. We were trailing by 15 points. Gao Lao gave us all a dressing down. We got "niao" until like siao. Then the words that made my day came out of his mouth 'Julie, Yuna, Rebecca, Jasmin and Joan". Boy was i overjoyed! I'm going to play! Yay! So i went down happily. The only problem was, I was a bunch of nerves. My ball sense completely sucked! I didn't even know what i was doing and what to do! So i stumbled through the whole quarter, slowly picking up, all the while expecting to be subbed out. The reason i had such a thought was, Mr Tan's way of putting players on court is embedded in my mine. Especially when it came to me. In SA's team, i was always the one he put when he wanted to give his main players a rest or he was thinking of maybe giving me a chance. Either way, a small mistake on my part meant being sent to the bench and ignored for the whole game. I was just so used to this that i kept looking over at the player's bench in fear. But never once was i subbed out. What a sigh of relief it was for me. =) In addition to that, our team manaed to bring the score up and against all odds, led by 3 points. Gao Lao was quite satisfied though not very with our performance. Next quarter, time for the under-16s to play. They managed to maintain the lead for some time. The last quarter the deciding match. Seeing how flustered i was, Gao Lao told me when u get the ball just hold it and pass properly. And i did just that when i should have done 2 lay-ups. Hahaha. Well, at least i didn't lose the ball. Hahaha. And my defence improved. Though i did not admit to anyone, i was quite tired, even exhausted actually. My stamina is really bad now. Hee hee. Their full court press really messed us and at one point we lost 2 points. One lay-up from Julie and another under basket from i can't remember who pulled the lead to 2 at the last few seconds. And i stupidly attempted a jump-shot that was really crooked luckily the one who got the rebound was our own people so it wasn't tt bad. Phew.

2006-04-10T00:01:00.000+08:00

I'm really sorry for the hurt i have cost you. If only there was anyway to make it up to you... My bad results are because i was lazy and i procrastinate too much. So any reasons i may have for these results are just excuses, that i'm sure. I was really dashed when you said you were going to take action against me playing ball. I almost got down on my knees to beg you not to do anything because you are just about to destroy the one thing that is keeping me sane now. Plus, it has never been the reason for my "demise". I really want you to know that. I'm already working really hard now to do what you expect of me but i really feel very lost. There seems to be no concrete goal for me to work towards. All the effort i put in seems to be for all the money you have spent on me. I may tell people 'i want to get into aerospace engineering' but is that really my goal? I ask myself. 'Just live your life from day to day and make the best out of it' is the best answer i seem to be able to get. Lord, I know i have forgotten you for quite a long period of time though you were always there for me. He seems like the devil now that i think about it. He pulled me away from you and caused me to forget about you. Come to think of it, maybe it was just my fault. I gave in to the devil. I'm really sorry. I made too many wrong choices in my life and seem to be continuously making more.

wrench

2006-04-09T23:42:00.000+08:00

I tried to test myself just now and looked through the photos u uploaded into my webshots. Before i signed in, i realised i forgot my password and username. In addition to that, i haven't signed in for some time already and i feared that my account had vanished into thin air with whatever few memories i had of you. My heart skipped a beat when i saw the messge in my mail that came with my username and password. I breathed a deep sigh of relief when i found that the account was still there. The "anyone see i kill you" caption screamed at me and i just had to enter it. As i looked through the pictures, so many memories of you just flooded into my heart. My heart just sank as i flipped through the photos. All these is just telling me that all these time, i have been lying to myself that i have given up on you when in actual fact, i haven't. I still feel for you what i felt for you before. I really feel like telling you but i dun wanna burden you plus, would you even care? I doubt so, so no point in my telling you. *Sigh* What is wrong with me. Tell me how i should forget you, how do i not like you no more. Saying i dun like you no more is not the same as not liking you no more. I watch all the romance soaps, dramas and listen to all the love songs. My heart melts hearing all these songs and i keep getting reminded of you. It was a big mistake on my part to have been tempted to look through the photos. I know that for sure but what am i to do? I'm only human. I just didn't have enough willpower to resist the temptation to view the pics and assess what i feel for you. Can anyone save me from this heartbreak that seems to last forever?

The oddity of the human heart

2006-04-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

The heart wants what the heart wants
Even if it is complete nonsense
Even when it means throwing a life's balance completely into the debit column
Even if it means more tears
Even when it knows better
Especially then...

Confused and sian diao ...

2006-04-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

Hm... What are the chances that i will get into the team? Is it high? I really hope it is. I really would like to get into the team even if it means i will be benched most of the time. True, i should be concentrating on my studies but is there any law that says i can't do both? I know i have been neglecting my studies and i'm only picking up now. It's not too late for me. Or is it? The university talk got me thinking, i wan to get into the aerospace course in NTU but it seems so far away. Who am i to have these kind of dream? How am i to compete with these elite group of people who also might want to get in? I currently only take 3 subs as compared to those who take 4 subjects and 2 S-papers. I am never going to get into the course of my choice. Sigh. I really have no idea what to do with my life. The pressing question that bugs me a lot is. After i finish my A's, what then? What am i suppose to do with my life? I would really like to do something i like but the problem is, i have no idea about my likes and dislikes. How am i suppose to go about my life this way. It's like i'm working towards a goal that is not there. There is nothing i am going to look forward to. A goal of 3 As is not enough to get me on the drive to succeed. So what is?

melly poem 2

2005-12-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

UNTITLED
by melly

hot heavy liquid -
a molten mixture of
broken promises, un-met expectations, raw bitterness -

poured into my heart.
night after night after night. there is no
escape.

each morning i find the wax,
cooled and hardened
into a layer covering the insides of
my heart.

this layer
stops me from feeling
too much.

and each time
the layer thickens
til i find myself
filling up
fast

til i cannot breathe
cannot feel my heart beat
cannot move

and still it fills me up
til i cannot live

and each time
my capacity to contain
life's heartaches
shrinks

until
one day

it overflows.

gone

at night
i find myself
hugging air

while you sleep,
back turned to me.

i'm willing you to
face me, hold me
tight -

but you've always been
deaf
to my heart.

the clock strikes midnight
and i walk towards it -
silence it - then

out the door and past the window
i turn.

slumbering peacefully,
you don't notice i'm
gone.

melly poem 1

2005-12-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

FORGETTING YOU
by melly

the past evaporates
like rain puddles
when the sun shines on them

like a mermaid's corpse
on the sea â€“ it leaves no soul, no
memory of being.

beauty can fade into nothing except
a vaguely bitter aftertaste like
morning coffee, when you â€™re

too sleepy to appreciate
its biting sting.

fool

guess i'm a little tired
of being at your beck and call.
reckon that this is adoration? i feel
like such a dog.

guess i'm a little tired
of holding out my hand, holding out
my heart, when all you'll ever do is
slap it away; maybe step on it.

i don't know, i don't
know you anymore. did i ever?

tempted to do the craziest things.

stop eating 'cos you said i'm
chubby, but crash dieting'll
crash your system.
stick my finger down my throat
to make up for it, but they say
your tooth enamel gets eroded.

like my morals.

proud princess scrubbing floors
to earn a little charity. what happened to
your dignity?

still drives me insane that i can't always
get what i want. and all i ever wanted is -
you?

2005-12-16T21:28:00.000+08:00

Oh man, i miss you guys so much. And how many days has it only been? 1 day? It feels like forever. How i wish i was back in Thailand with you guys. How come happy days dun seem to last? Life's just not fair is it. Pilingus with one disappointment another. And the excuse for it? To mould us into stronger people. The natural process of "survival of the fittest". WOW! Nice logic to explain what is being done here isn't it. Hai. =( MISS YOU GUYS!!!

What make you different

2005-10-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

WHAT MAKES YOU DIFFERENT (MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL)
by BSB

You don't run with a crowd
You go your own way
You don't play after dark
You light up my day
Got your own kind of style
That sets you apart
Baby, that's why you captured my heart
I know sometimes you feel like you don't fit in
And this world doesn't know what you have within
When I look at you, I see something rare
A rose that can grow anywhere (grow anywhere)
And there's no one I know that can compare

CHORUS

What makes you different, makes you beautiful
What's there inside you, shines through to me
In your eyes I see, all the love I'll ever need
You're all I need, oh girl
What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me

Hey, yeah
You got something so real
You touched me so deep (touched me so deep)
Say material things
Don't matter to me
So come as you are
You've got nothing to prove
You won me with all that you do
And I want to take this chance to say to you

CHORUS (Repeat)

You don't know how you touched my life
Oh in so many ways I just can't describe
You taught me what love is supposed to be
You saw the little things that make you beautiful to me (so beautiful)
What makes you...

Chorus (Repeat)

Everything you do is beautiful (so beautiful)
Love you give shines right through me (shines right through me)
Everything you do is beautiful (oh)
You're beautiful to me (to me)

bliss, or is it?

2005-09-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

We just walked along the deserted road. Silent. That seems to be the only time i have seen you show your true feelings. Your sad eyes. As you walked on. I feel so happy but there seems to be an impending doom though i dunno wat it was. It was just a feeling. Whether it comes true, it's all up to you. Everything is all up to you. I just follow suit happily. Why am i so stupid? I wonder too. But i dun seem to have the answer to that. Maybe one day i will find the answer. Do you wanna help? I dun think so. It's just wishful thinking on my part. I just brushed aside this feeling of doom and continue on walking with you. Relishing every minute, every second. I guess sometimes not talking is a good thing. The silence doesn't seem awkward and i wonder why.

An open storybook

2005-09-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

Of 'cos you guessed as much. You can read me like an open storybook. Aren't i? Why is it that you can read my mind but i can't. It's just not very fair is it? Please tell me what's on your mind. What you really feel. Then can I know you better. I believe sincerely you are not the person you portray yourself to be. As we sat there pouring out our hearts to each other. I always feel i understand you better but do I really? The more i hear, the more i think i understand but in actual fact i dun. The world is unfair but you dun seem to be able to accept it. Your words and actions do not link. They are both different. So very different. The harsh words you dish on me, it's not forgotten as you want it to be. It's just there bottled up in my heart. Not everyone is as fool-hardy as you are. People have feelings too you know, not just you. Spare them a thought sometimes please. People's lifes are not for you to toy with. I believe you dun like the thing you do. You just do it to so you can shy in your own lonely corner. Yes, your life has been difficult but not everyone will hurt you. Hai. =(

life sucks

2005-09-26T22:53:00.000+08:00

Why is it that nothing i do seems right?! You're not the only one who feels that way. I made so many wrong decisions and end up hurting other people too in the process. If only i could turn back time. If only, if only. There is just so many things i wanna change. Sometimes, i wonder why we started, why we like each other. Was it because of the link in the past? Or was it just 'cos we both just felt lonely, seeking company in each other's arms? Is there any answer to my question? Even if there was, i think i dun want to know the answer 'cos i have a feeling it's not the answer i want. Sometimes, the thing you say hurt me so but i hold back the tears and continue the strong front i put to the world. I really want to express my feelings sometimes but i dunno how. I really dun want people to think of me as a weakling and i am not accustomed to showing people my feelings. But the way you say it, it just seems real though maybe you dun mean it at all. Maybe i was just being too sensitive. Folded arms, a sign of me being a closed person. And guess what, you are so right. I do tell people things but i always seem to leave out the most important parts. I determine the way people see me and it's not up to them. I like it this way but you changed to conceptuality and the way I see things in my life. True, i became cynical about some stuff but my perspective of life, is just so different.

Friends

2005-09-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

Are we friends or are we not?
You told me once but i forgot.
So tell me now and tell me true.
So i can say "i'm here for you".
Of all the friends i've ever met,
You're the one i can't forget.
And if i die before you do,
I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
I'll give the angels back their wings
And risk the loss of everything
Just to prove our friendship's true.
To have a friend just like you.
[anonymous]

2005-07-20T19:07:00.000+08:00

People DIe
So love them everyday
Beauty fades
So look before it's gone
Love changes
But not the love you give
And if you love
You'll never be alone
[Nightworld-Witchlight]